Growing Pains

I've been wanting to talk about something for a long time and I feel like this is the perfect time to do so because I'm in the middle of some really huge transformations in my personal and professional life. I'm in the process of shedding a lot of "layers" of myself and masks that I've been wearing for a really long time. I've been SHOWING UP. Fully expressing myself in the ways that make me feel happy and that feel aligned with who I am at my core. Last week was full of transformation. I literally had one breakthrough after another, a few good cries...and more naps than I can count. I announced the major change in direction for my business and my life purpose. You may have caught that video on Instagram where I bared my soul to my tribe. If you didn't, I announced that I was no longer going to complete my masters degree and would be expanding my coaching and healing practice instead. I've been feeling this pull in my heart for a long time, but I was full of my own self-limiting beliefs. I thought that I needed the degree for my words and my work to be valid. Like, somehow my KNOWING and my experience wasn't enough. Honestly, I was afraid to say it all out loud because then I felt like I couldn't take it back.  What if this is the wrong decision? What I regret it? What if I fail? After I sat with the fear and uncertainty, I got clarity. With that clarity, I got trust. Bone-deep trust that I am exactly where I need to be with this. With that trust, I got confidence to share...and share again. The amount of love, support and encouragement that poured in from family, friends and strangers was such an amazing reminder that people have my back. A LOT of people have my back and when it matters the most, they show up too. 

One of the major lessons I learned last week was that once again, I was faced with fear. The kind of fear that was stopping me from living my life in the way that I wanted to...again. In some ways, I was debilitated just like I was when I was sick and housebound all those years ago. I was stuck and I felt like I couldn't get out of my own way. Mind over fucking matter, right? Here. I. Was. Again. Letting my thoughts run the show. I kept thinking " wow, cool...I thought I was over this." And then it hit me. There will ALWAYS be obstacles. Always be fear and self-doubt.  I have Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder....so yes, I am going to ruminate over decisions sometimes. There will always be reasons why I shouldn't take risks, but I'm tired of playing it small. I'm tired of feeling like I'm the only one who has these feelings sitting within them. I'm not and neither are you. In treatment, they will tell you that you're doing the work correctly if you're uncomfortable. Eight years later, that has never stopped being relevant. 

CHANGE IS UNCOMFORTABLE. GROWTH IS UNCOMFORTABLE.

Life constantly insists that we grow. We all have work to do, regardless of what chapter we're writing in our own stories. Life has a way of challenging us in ways that we aren't expecting. We all have work to do because the work doesn't stop. Triggers (or challenges) come up and we are GIVEN the opportunities to challenge then. Perception is everything though, friends. Looking at every challenge or obstacle like a burden will only make it a burden. It's rare that anyone gets to where they want to be by taking the easy road OR by avoiding all the hard stuff. We all have to face ourselves at some point if we don't want to spend our lives hiding. 

Mantra: I refuse to hide from my life anymore. I vow to stay true to who I really am and all that I want to contribute to this world. 

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It takes courage to grow up and turn out to be who you really are.
— E.E Cummings